This weekend, we went shopping. We had to buy rugby boots for my eldest. While we were at the mall, I figured I would get myself a jersey or tracksuit top or two, as winter is upon us and I need some.
Two things happened.
The struggle begins
The first is that I really struggled with the sizing. As much as I am looking after myself physically, and am probably, health-wise, in the best place I have been in for a while, I am still carrying a few extra kilograms, which just don’t want to shift.
So, my brain is telling me not to worry, it is just a phase, the weight will shift, I need to be patient. But what was going on emotionally, was feelings of shame and of not being “good enough”.
The struggle continues
The second, was another struggle.
My brain telling me that I need these one or two items of clothing and that I am worthy, that I need to put myself first. But these logical thoughts being drowned out by mom-guilt. The feeling of having to put myself last, of not having enough.
Needless to say, we got the rugby boots and I got nothing.
I have been working on my limiting beliefs and self-worth for some time now and I have come a long way.
But it is hard to change some limiting beliefs because they are SO engrained.
And the deeper they are ingrained, the more difficult it is to change them.
BUT it doesn’t mean that it is impossible.
I was 100% aware of what was going on. The struggle within me of new thought patterns vs old thought patterns.
This alone is HUGE progress.
So, yes, I left with nothing.
Yes, I just wanted to cry.
But I honoured those feelings, I was 100% aware of what was going on.
I will go back and I will get myself what I need.
I am just going to prepare myself better and make sure the trip to the mall is conducive to a good experience. That I have my support system in place if I need it.